What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:16
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was in good health!
As a guy, how do you know you if you are considered attractive?
My family never makes their pension either.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Put me off passion for life!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why is it rare for someone to despise both the Democrats and Republicans?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why do women have sex with dogs?
All the time i was locked up.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Can ringing in the ears be a sign of spiritual awakening?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was 9 years of age.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
How are Hinduism and Sikhism related, considering they both originated in Punjab, India?
My life is so biszare .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But, we were locked up after school.
Did sharing a wife turn out okay?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ive learnt so much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was scared of men, in general
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I couldn’t, believe it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One cannot live in the past .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
This is soul school!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Comes on , in middle age.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were not on the streets..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i lived it daily.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So whats the point in blame.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I will be 64.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im still living with it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I have no regrets .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She loved him until the end.
She married twice! .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I write beautiful poetry .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was seconnd youngest,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So, i spoilt her more .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She found it foreign!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Would this be the day?
I waited trembling.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I could never make a relationship work though!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
When she asked me how she looked .
We all went to grammer schools
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Especially a lifetime of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Who then, do I blame.?
I said to her
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was very sick at this time too.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
What did i know ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!